TKP, Faith & the Farm

So when bloggy friend Carol Miller (link) invited me to join The Kindness Project, naturally I declined. "I don't post on Wednesdays," I said.

Then I got to thinking about it, and I decided I'm not that old. I can be a little more flexible. And here I am.

I'm a week late because I wanted to see what everybody else did before I posted. But I'm still a little stumped about what to say... Kindness is one of those things I feel like I should do.

The Kindness Project is supposed to be inspirational. It's to remind us that even when we're feeling unkind, still be kind. That alone can make a significant difference in the world both for us and for others.

That's really cool. And really hard.

Last week, members posted about all sorts of things, and they were all good. The most meaningful to me, however, was by our fearless leader. Carol took the day to quote from Mother Teresa. Here's the part I liked best: 

Give the best you have, and it will never be enough. 
Give your best anyway.
In the final analysis, it is between you and God. 
It was never between you and them anyway.

Powerful stuff.

It's a good day for me to try TKP. I've had an interesting thing come my way recently, and I can't wait to tell you all about it. I have to wait, but you'll understand soon.

So it's cool, but at the same time, I'm still feeling weighed down and Anxious.

I'm second-guessing my decisions, and I feel like I'm always looking over my shoulder. The old timers tell us not to be suckers. Don't be so eager to get published that you give away the farm.

At the same time, I wonder, "Didn't those old timers have to give away part of the farm to get to the point of being able to say things like 'Don't give away the farm'?" Is it possible to get where you want to be without sacrificing anything?

I've never been very good at leaps of faith. I'm super Type A. I like all my ducks behaving just like I expect them to behave, and if I tell you I'll have something for you tomorrow, well, you'll probably get it today.

I'm rambling, but my point is I do have faith. And I do make thoughtful decisions and not foolish ones, and when I'm at that point where I've done all I can do, I... struggle very hard with letting it go. So I try to remind myself of that faith part again. 

Source

Perhaps I've drifted from the kindness, but in the final analysis, it is between you and God.

Are you doing your best? Doing good work? Keeping in touch... (Wait, that's Garrison Keillor--!)

I'm sorry, Carol. I'm screwing this all up. Somebody make a goofy sound effect or talk in a funny voice...

Maybe we can just keep on encouraging each other. I know you do that for me all the time. Thank you~

Have a great week, reader- and writer-friends. I'll do better next time. <3

Buckle up

Seems I've been apologizing a lot lately. I'm sorry.

I really do have a good excuse, though. You might remember my post back in October about several things happening at once. I'd gotten a revise/resubmit request from my all-time Dream Agency. The first agency I ever queried back in Sept 2009 when I was just starting Debut Novel.

(Yep, in 2009 I sent a million-page query letter re: an unfinished novel... and then when I didn't hear back a week later, I sent a follow-up email. I was clueless. And rejected.)

Back to the story: I got right on the R&R, polished it up, sent it through the critters, and had that MS back in DA's hands by Thanksgiving.

All through the holidays, I bit my nails and refreshed my inbox while JRM admonished me that no one's working through Christmas. Me: They might!

January 4, I heard back from DA saying she really liked the revision and would I send my synopsis for others in the office to review. I didn't think I could breathe when that happened.

Naturally, I fretted that my synopsis wasn't good enough, but I sent it on and waited.

And waited.

And in the meantime, a different agent contacted me about liking my MS and would I be interested in talking on the phone about revisions and possibly resubmitting? Me: Yes, yes, nice to meetcha New Agent, but you see, I've got Dream Agent on the line here.

New Agent: Give that person a nudge and see where you stand.

So I hesitantly sent an email nudge, and guess what? That person was an assistant who is now gone. In a puff of smoke, she got a job elsewhere--a great job for her--but she left me high and dry.

I dragged my feet back to my chair and sat. Then I went under the desk and cried. And then my little gmail sing-song went off. New Agent wanted to know if I still wanted to talk--?

Me: Oh, right. Right. What were you saying again?

We made a date. And literally the same day, things at home went Off-the-charts Crazy. I'm not kidding.

Some of you knew unexpected schenanigans were happening on hubs's work front. Well, that day it became imperative for me to bring home the bacon. And a lot of it. Fast.

Thankfully, I've got one of those hourly jobs that never ends. So I was able to plant my butt in my seat and work nonstop for the last days of the month clocking hours.

Last Monday I posted about going down to stare at the waves so I could calm down. When I first got there, repeating in my brain over and over was the sound of Dorothy's voice: "I'm frightened, Auntie Em. I'm frightened."

(I know. I'm a goober, right?)

Those words were very formal for the panic gripping my chest, but I don't know. My brain.

I left after an hour of watching those glassy waves rolling in, one after the other, never stopping for centuries, at peace. By then my only thought was, "Thank you."

We really are going to be fine. God's been setting up a safety net for us since September--and we weren't even looking! I've got work, we've got a cushion, and there's even a job waiting that we simply have to accept. It's a good one, too.

It's just been... an exciting seven days.

And what about that call? Well, unfairly, I know, I put a lot of pressure on it to bail us out. You know, the Hollywood ending where the big offer comes and the music swells and we all click our heels because There's No Place Like Home.

It didn't happen. New Agent and I basically just chatted about the changes she thought I should make, and it now stands as another R&R request. The ball's back in my court.

I need to get started on it, but right now I feel completely winded. Motivation has abandoned me. And I've got bacon to bring home.

But I appreciate all your hugs and well-wishes and prayers. And I'll get back on my feet. We've got a mountain to climb before June (a yellow-brick road to follow?), but I'm hoping once we get there, we'll find out it had to get worse before it could get better.

More soon~ <3

Decisions, decisions...

When I was growing up, a popular line of thinking was that even a small, seemingly insignificant wrong decision could impact your entire life, essentially altering the course of your Destiny. (!) Occasionally this idea would be couched in phrases like "being in" (or out) of "God's will."

Sigh.

I've been thinking about this lately because a few Big Decisions are facing my little family unit.

JRM says that concept's a load of garbage. His position is that no decision is ever permanent, and that life ultimately keeps going, circles around. And it all works together for good. So long as we're all together and look out for each other.

That makes sense to logical, rational me. But I think I must've watched too many movies along the lines of Sliding Doors as a young person. Remember that one? The whole, how would my life have been different if I'd missed the train instead of caught it? Or turned left (and bumped into you) instead of right (and kept walking)?

And sitting here I can recall distinctly the words that came out of my mouth last fall at a restaurant out of town that started the chain of events that has us now grappling with this Big Decision.

I can't help thinking, "What would've happened if I'd kept my silly mouth shut?" (I was tired, and I almost did actually.)

Then what?

Would we be facing a difficult situation with zero options, or would other options have appeared?

Then I look at JRM and my little girls and where we are now, and I think of all the decisions that led us to this place. And how just one different decision on my part would've changed everything.

I do not regret any of my previous decisions. I'm simply fighting with the one that's sitting in front of us. It's probably for the best, but I'm not happy with it. It means giving up something that is incredibly dear to me.

Yesterday I went under the desk and tried to cry about it. But I must confess, I joke about doing that, but it really doesn't work for me. I start feeling silly and wonder what the heck I'm doing under the desk and my mind starts working out ways to Solve This. To Change it.

Then I came across the audio version of Paul Coelho's The Alchemist. I got it for free several years ago on iTunes. It's read by Jeremy Irons, and I remembered liking it very much. I started listening to it again, and it came to the part where the boy meets Melchizedek, who tells him about the Great Lie.

The Great Lie, according to M., is that there's a point in everyone's life where the future is all in the hands of Fate. He goes on to say more, but I realized my approach to life falls somewhere near that belief.

I can't help being a problem solver. It's just who I am. When faced with a problem, I get to work finding a solution. At the same time, I do believe our own power can only carry us so far, and after that it's in the hands of God.

Because even the best-laid plans can never take into account all the possible outcomes. And only God knows the future.

So I close my eyes softly til I become that part of the wind that we all long for sometimes...

How do you guys handle Big Decisions? By charging forward and letting the chips fall where they may, or by evaluating all the possible outcomes first? Are there ever really any "wrong" decisions, or do you think it all eventually comes out in the wash?

Until Monday, I'm musing. Have a great weekend~ <3